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Blessing Meadows Ministries
I'm Nothing Without Jesus
I just want SO badly for me to get something right before Jesus comes back or before He calls me out of here and I have to give an answer for my behavior.
I feel like one of those people broken into pieces on the rock. (A bible verse about whoever falls upon the rock [Jesus] will be broken to pieces but whoever the rock falls on will be crushed.) It's better to have a hard heart broken into surrender than to be utterly destroyed.
Anyway, many days I feel like crying. My hands are empty. I have nothing. I am nothing. 'Lord I'm nothing without you.' That's so true. I've made a complete mess out of everything I've ever touched, and the enemy has such an easy time telling me I'm a failure. The only comfort I have is that I can claim Jesus. I am unworthy in every area, totally miserable and desperate, but in Him I have peace. In Him I have righteousness. In Him I have lands and treasures and self-worth.
If we can just hold on a little longer, and love a little longer, and hope a little longer. :)
There is a day coming when I can be cleansed from every memory of earth, and can put on a white robe. There is a day coming when my broken, raspy voice can sing again and better than before. When my body that has grown stiff and unloved and even hated will be renewed and leap for joy. I'll dance and twirl and balance as if I'd always known how to do that. LOL Probably we have. In our spirits. Before we came here, we were joyful and innocent and we'll be that way again, thanks to Jesus. Otherwise, we'd never be clean, never be free from what we've done. Never be free from the pain of it.
You probably don't have all this self-loathing inside. :) I hope not. But maybe you can understand what I long for. I thought I was so smart and so powerful, made all my own decisions and rebelled and made fun of whatever and whoever. I ran this way and that way, doing everything I could experience, and not finding the satisfaction I needed, or the validation, or the successful end, I found myself always empty.
Like Solomon in Ecclesiastes, I've done it all and found that everything is folly, except for returning to God what is His and giving Him honor and glory.
Then Jesus does something really remarkable and personal for me, like getting that bathroom changed for Chris, and other things that speak quietly and secretly into my soul and I see a glimpse of what is to come. The incredible, unspeakable joys that He's got laid up for us in Heaven.
I remember the dreams He's given me of Him by my side through this life. They were SOOOOO deeply moving and real. I want that. I hunger for His nearness. In the dreams I appreciated Him not, nor even recognized Him as the Savior. He was just a quiet friend who traveled along with me. He is always respectful, patient, loving, considerate, and ready to help.
How do we deserve that? That the King of Kings should concern Himself with my problems, my failures, my tears?
I guess I'm the Queen of Queens of failures and disappointments, but it took a King of Kings to ransom my life and make me whole. I have that promise. I shall be made whole. And for that gift I will declare Him to the ends of the earth.
That's all I can claim or brag about for my life. It's all but past, and at 54 I've accumulated nothing but junk, bills, decay and wishes on my own.
In HIM, though, I've made friends around the world. I've lent a hand to many, comforted many, uplifted those who were weary and set them on their road again. I've been a help to Chris and tried to teach my sons to honor God. If I do nothing else, it will be enough.
But rather than me attempting another "fix" and it leading to failure, I'm in prayer to ask God to make things right, and forgive me my errors, as He is so perfect in doing.
God bless you all. Write to me at
chastityrose (at) yahoo.com
God bless you! Keep looking back here for more updates and more words. Visit www.lcci.us (our home church in Albany, GA) to watch services online anytime.
Write to me here: chastityrose (at) yahoo.com
© Lisa Tyler 2010
BLESSING MEADOWS HOMEPAGE CHRIS' TESTIMONY