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Blessing Meadows MinistriesI'm Nothing Without Jesus |
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I just want SO badly for me to get something right
before Jesus comes back or before He calls me out of here and I have to give an
answer for my behavior. I feel like one of those people broken into pieces
on the rock. (A bible verse about
whoever falls upon the rock [Jesus] will be broken to pieces but whoever the
rock falls on will be crushed.) It's
better to have a hard heart broken into surrender than to be utterly destroyed. Anyway, many days I feel like crying. My hands are empty. I have nothing. I am nothing.
'Lord I'm nothing without you.'
That's so true. I've made a
complete mess out of everything I've ever touched, and the enemy has such an
easy time telling me I'm a failure. The
only comfort I have is that I can claim Jesus.
I am unworthy in every area, totally miserable and desperate, but in Him
I have peace. In Him I have
righteousness. In Him I have lands and
treasures and self-worth. If we can just hold on a little longer, and love a
little longer, and hope a little longer.
:) There is a day coming when I can be cleansed from
every memory of earth, and can put on a white robe. There is a day coming when my broken, raspy
voice can sing again and better than before.
When my body that has grown stiff and unloved and even hated will be
renewed and leap for joy. I'll dance and
twirl and balance as if I'd always known how to do that. LOL Probably we have. In our spirits. Before we came here, we were joyful and
innocent and we'll be that way again, thanks to Jesus. Otherwise, we'd never be clean, never be free
from what we've done. Never be free from
the pain of it. You probably don't have all this self-loathing
inside. :) I hope not.
But maybe you can understand what I long for. I thought I was so smart and so powerful,
made all my own decisions and rebelled and made fun of whatever and
whoever. I ran this way and that way,
doing everything I could experience, and not finding the satisfaction I needed,
or the validation, or the successful end, I found myself always empty. Like Solomon in Ecclesiastes, I've done it all and
found that everything is folly, except for returning to God what is His and
giving Him honor and glory. Then Jesus does something really remarkable and
personal for me, like getting that bathroom changed for Chris, and other things
that speak quietly and secretly into my soul and I see a glimpse of what is to
come. The incredible, unspeakable joys
that He's got laid up for us in Heaven. I remember the dreams He's given me of Him by my
side through this life. They were SOOOOO
deeply moving and real. I want
that. I hunger for His nearness. In the dreams I appreciated Him not, nor even
recognized Him as the Savior. He was
just a quiet friend who traveled along with me.
He is always respectful, patient, loving, considerate, and ready to
help. How do we deserve that? That the King of Kings should concern Himself
with my problems, my failures, my tears? I guess I'm the Queen of Queens of failures and
disappointments, but it took a King of Kings to ransom my life and make me
whole. I have that promise. I shall be made whole. And for that gift I will declare Him to the
ends of the earth. That's all I can claim or brag about for my
life. It's all but past, and at 54 I've
accumulated nothing but junk, bills, decay and wishes on my own. In HIM, though, I've made friends around the
world. I've lent a hand to many,
comforted many, uplifted those who were weary and set them on their road
again. I've been a help to Chris and
tried to teach my sons to honor God. If
I do nothing else, it will be enough. But rather than me attempting another
"fix" and it leading to failure, I'm in prayer to ask God to make
things right, and forgive me my errors, as He is so perfect in doing. 2/11/2011
God bless you all. Write to me at chastityrose (at) yahoo.com
God bless you! Keep looking back here for more updates and more words. Visit www.lcci.us (our home church in Albany, GA) to watch services online anytime. Write to me here: chastityrose (at) yahoo.com
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© Lisa Tyler 2010